Wednesday, January 23, 2013

How Does One Become a Hero?

Alright. So, you want to become a hero?

Well, here's the deal. You're a few hundred years late, son.
Honestly? Do I need to explain this to you?

Okay, okay, okay. Sit down. Put some whiskey in that coffee, you pussy.

First things first, you need to do something stupid. Now, I know what you're thinking, let me explain. You need to do something stupid that will put your life in danger but for the right reasons with the right people watching.

Like, defeating an undead Knight in order to save your son. Ring a bell? No.

Well, you could also try saving some children from a burning building, but that only works if you didn't set the building on fire in the first place.

Oh, and kiss your love and family life good bye. Being a hero means making enemies and your loved ones will now be in danger. You should probably make sure your parents are killed outside of a movie theater and that you have no next of kin. To be safe, this is mostly an orphans only gig.

You'll need a journey as well. Chalk up a few saved princesses, slain dragons and a deal with the devil to your list of accomplishments. Now you're starting to shape up, m'boy!

Once you've done all of that, you'll need to find someone. Make sure this someone is a prominent figure, someone the community around you trusts for news or information.

Now, this next bit is important.

Get him blasted drunk. Not to the point of blacking out, but a bottle of tequila isn't gonna hurt either way.

After he has a good buzz going, tell him all of these stories. Embellish them. Make them something that will give him dreams of grandeur for the rest of his days. Leave him a few notes about it as well. Then, set up a few people to remind him of the experiences. People you met on your journey.

Have these people approach him and tell him your stories again and again and again.

Then ride in on your proverbial white horse, or white Volkswagen Beetle in your case, and make sure he's telling everyone of your great deeds.

That son, is how you become a hero.

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